You are delusional. Yes, I’m talking to you. Every single one of you. If you’re a first time parent, basically you are 100% delusional. I can say that because I was delusional too. It comes with the territory. The thing about it though, is that I didn’t know I was delusional.
My pregnancy delusions started way before I was actually pregnant, married, even before I met this guy I call my husband. See, I used to be a babysitter for one family for many years. I cared for one until there were two and then I cared for two until there were three. Trust me, I was a 16 year old pro. I had it down! I totally knew how to be a parent. Hot dogs for lunch, swimming lessons, naps, movies, laundry. I was cool! I was so cool that even after I got pregnant my tag line was something like “I used to babysit” like that’s some kind of code for I’m way more prepared than most women my age. You’ve said that right? I used to babysit.
Laugh at yourself. Laugh at yourself right now, because like I said before, you are delusional. It’s okay though because I think that delusion is all part of it. Without the pregnancy delusion you probably wouldn’t even get pregnant. It’s our creators plan. If we all actually knew what was about to happen to our lives, our bodies, our clothes, our hair, our homes, our relationships we’d never do it. Lets face it, after having two kids I’m so crazy I’m actually thinking of having a third.
So, one of the only things I wasn’t delusional about was the actual birth of my child. One of my great friends is an OBGYN and she laid it out straight from the doctors point of view. No birth plan. Don’t waste your time. It isn’t gonna happen. The only birth plan you need is Get this baby out of me NOW. Yes, there are things you should know from the start like the location you’re going to have the baby, whether or not you want an epidural, and if it’s ok for the first words your husband utters to be “it has balls” when the baby comes out. Outside of that, just let it ride. The baby will come out, the doctors will help you, the nurses are typically fantastic, and you will poop.
If you’re pregnant for the first time, I’m sure you’re hearing endless comments about how tired you’re going to be and how you’re going to have to get up in the middle of the night like every two hours. It’s ok because you know what tired is like right? I mean, you’ve seen the sun rise before. You’re cool. Nope! Wrong! That’s called delusion my friend. You have no idea what tired is until you have that baby. It doesn’t last long because your body does get used to it, but seriously it’s a tired like no tired you’ve ever experienced before. My legs were actually folding under me the day after I had my first child. By the time the second one comes you’re so permanently exhausted it’s much less of a shock.
The thing about this pregnancy delusion is that you’ve thought about your birth plan, people warn you about being tired, and everybody has some kind of horrible story about something bad or weird that happened to them or their friend, blah blah blah. You listen, you don’t listen, you say it isn’t going to happen to you, it all happens to you, and you laugh at yourself later. The biggest delusion of all are the secrets. The stuff nobody tells you because they forgot, it was too graphic, or just sad. If I had just had a little flip book with statements from real moms that had recently gone through what I was going through it would have been amazing. Your moms can tell you all kinds of things, but I know now that they just don’t remember everything. Their memories are of the sunshine and rainbows part of having a child 30 years ago. Even now, only three short years after my first, my memories are mostly sunshine and rainbows. Experts can write pages and pages in fancy books to prepare you, guide you, etc. and all of that can be very helpful, but what you really need is another mommy to clear away that delusion for you. Wipe the fog off your glasses. Scrape the ice off your windshield.
You’ll probably cry. A lot.|There’s a thing called being a motion baby. Mine was one. Get a swing and don’t be afraid to use it.|Give them a pacifier if it helps. It’s natural. It’s okay.|Hold them forever if you want to because they will NEVER be that tiny again.|Put them down if you want. They’ll survive.|You’ll probably cry. A lot.|Wine is OK.| Coffee is OK.|Immunizations are OK.|Play pens are OK.|The first time you poop afterward will be terrifying|The nursery is a perfectly acceptable place to send your baby. Remember your body needs time to recover.|Sometimes you’ll wonder if having a child was the right decision. It was.|You and your husband will fight. Kiss and make up. This is stressful.|You’ll never want to have sex again. You will. It will be different.|You will cry. A lot.|You will be bored.|You will be confused.|You’ll wonder what you’re supposed to be doing. Don’t worry about what you’re supposed to be doing. Do what feels right.|Put down the internet. There’s too much information.|Three days between showers is normal.|Your husband won’t be very helpful. Remember, he doesn’t have boobs and your baby thinks he smells weird.|He thinks the baby smells weird.|Going to Target three days after you have your baby is OK. You don’t need to quarantine them.|People will touch your baby. A lot. It’s OK|You will cry. A lot|Your child isn’t different. He’s just like every other baby. Only your friends and family care.|You’ll never want a second one.|You’ll want a second one. Maybe more.|It doesn’t get easier. Only different.|It’s just a stage. They’ll grow out of it. You’ll wonder how time flew by so fast.|Time crawls. Some days feel like they’ll never end.|Babies are boring. Babies are fun. Babies are exhausting. Babies ruin everything. Babies change everything. Babies make every day worth living.